Tell him or her that you’ll read it along with them, and then you can discuss it, maybe at their favorite restaurant, just the two of you.
“Domestic violence is such a scary subject for both parents and children.
He has made up fabricated stories about us to our daughter — that we are pushy, intrusive, over-protective and jealous of our daughter’s closeness with him and his family.”“I did that to my mum – didn’t talk to her for 6 months. She was a dragon and I stayed away, coz if he knew he went over and threatened her.
My advice is never shut the door on your daughter and know she loves you but it’s hard.” Instinctively you might have tried to get your daughter to leave her partner, tell her you don’t like him, tell her to assert herself and stand up to him, tell her to meet her own needs and stop kowtowing to him.
When I visited her to talk about what we were seeing, her reaction was withdrawn and non-committal, she was very loving, but said we had blown it out of proportion.” This mother was advised by Domestic Violence organisations not to push her daughter to take any action and to leave such decisions to her. Meantime, this mother went on to tell me some ways she tried to support her daughter.
Current research shows this is the best action in cases where coercive control is involved. This mum’s approach is the recommended way, despite her daughter minimising her experience: “I tried to keep checking on her — she always said things were fine and they were getting on well.
I have to confess that I am finding it all a terrible strain and miss my daughter very badly, but realise that there is not much else that we or anyone can do at this stage other than, whenever possible, to monitor the situation, fight against the increasing estrangement of our daughter from us her family, give her a bit of relief from the relentless abuse every now and again if we get a chance to do so, and make sure that if we get a chance to let her know we are there for her.” One mother told me that as time has gone by, she and her husband feel in a catch 22 situation because their daughter has drawn back from them even more, is less communicative and in less and less contact.
This mother said that: “if we try to overcome this with lots of phone calls, emails and suggestions to meet up it seems to feed into her husband’s smear campaign about us. My ex hated my mum and I didn’t talk to her as it was easier than getting him angry with me.
If he has not used violence in the past, the chance that he will do so at this time is high because coercively controlling men, for various reasons, cannot stand it when they lose control of their partner.
Leaving is the most common time when a controlling man murders his partner — many controlling men threaten to kill their partner if she leaves, which is one reason women refuse to talk to outsiders about the abuse they’re experiencing. You could suggest good books you’ve read that might give perspectives outside the perpetrator’s mindset.
She switches back and forth – as demonstrated in this picture of the young lady and old woman.
Notice how it’s extremely difficult to see both women at the same time.
Planting one small seed can make a very big difference. For many mothers you have to take care of yourself, have clear boundaries, know your limits, and seek support for yourself.